What I Learned During A Covid Infused 2020

As the end of 2020 approaches, I thought it worthy of a waste of time — or the avoidance of doing more university administrative work — to take stock of the knowledge that the varieties of lockdowns (and tier surfing) bestowed upon me to this point. The list is not definitive nor in any particular order but represents reflections since 23 March 2020 (the date on which we were locked out of our offices and unceremoniously forced into WFH mode).

1. Dogs rule. Life without a dog is not worth living. The loss of sudden loss of Conlan during the pandemic (and the outpouring of support) and the joy of bringing Finnegan Walter home from Foxhound Rescue simply put paid to the notion that one has a life when you do not have a dog. If you don’t have a dog, you will think I am crazy. If you do have a dog, you will know what I mean.
2. Clothes are optional. I discovered that I really don’t need 90% of the clothes I have. This is no doubt a good thing since I doubt that 90% of the clothes I do possess still fit me since I mostly work in the dining room, which is next to the kitchen and such proximity has consequences.
3. There is an optimal amount of “Family time”. When the lockdown started people no doubt relished spending time with their family. However, all things in moderation. Lucky for me, my wife still worked for part of the lockdown but there were times when clearly proximity implied we had past some unknown optimal point. I figured this out when she asked me “Is this what retirement is going to be like?” with the sort of look that says “If I kill you and bury your body in the garden would anyone really notice?” I fully expect that post-pandemic fewer people will be giving up their jobs “to spend more time with their family” as they will know what that is really like.
4. Half of my Facebook friends are sociopaths. This should not be news to anyone on Facebook as I suspect it is a general rule. The problem is not that half of them are sociopaths, but that I cannot figure who is in which half. This is, of course, different from those on Facebook who are narcissists, as it is pretty clear who those people are. But given I am sort of bereft of real flesh and blood friends, I will embrace them lovingly as it seems to be the best that I can do.
5. I will miss Donald Trump. I know that my left-leaning friends (on Facebook) will think I am crazy (or part of the half of their friends who are sociopaths), but there is a constancy to being able to wake up every morning during the pandemic and wondering what in the hell he might be up to and whether we are all a moment away from armageddon. Given what 2020 had to bring, we might as well get our money’s worth from the apocalypse. What disappoints me is that the vaccine does not seem to have a zombie side effect. That would really be a very appropriate end to the year — and humanity. And maybe we would eventually find out what happened to Rick Grimes. Of course, we could have a new series, Trump 2024 — Mega MAGA! Exclusively on Fox.
6. Zoom is great. I know that most people would view this as madness but think about the power bestowed upon you by Zoom. Wouldn’t life be better if you could just mute people in real life. Think of the benefits of being able to disappear from a meeting with the click of a button. And where else can you be sanctimoniously judgmental about people’s homes without going through all the social awkwardness of visiting them (and you can drink the bottle of wine you would otherwise have to have given them as a present). Turn about is fair play and I am happy to accept that people would view turning me off with a single click would be a benefit to humanity. I am happy to take one for the species.
7. It is amazing the species can survive. I am not sure of all of the evolutionary biology behind this but it is pretty clear most people are clueless. This includes those who believe wearing a mask is difficult (the same people do obey those “no shoes/shirt, no service signs” so go figure that one out) — but most of these morons would no doubt wear it under their nose or on their chin (like NFL football coaches and players) — and others who feel that hanging out in a Covid soup of a restaurant is somehow the equivalent of being released from Rikers Island. I don’t mind that people are reckless with their lives — which is why god created the conjunction of cliffs and selfies — but there is a name for the crime where you engage in the reckless endangerment of others — manslaughter.
8. Death is just a statistic to most people. There is the misattributed quote of Stalin — A Single Death Is a Tragedy; A Million Deaths Is a Statistic — which actually comes from Kurt Tucholsky — Der Tod eines Menschen: das ist eine Katastrophe. Hunderttausend Tote: das ist eine Statistik! However, the pandemic has shown how people become sensitised and even some supposedly quite intelligent and educated individuals argue that deaths are just necessary consequences and that we should let other people take one for the species (herd immunity). My reaction to these individuals would be to make them work in a Covid ward and see death one individual at a time.
9. City folk should keep out of the countryside. The pandemic caused panicked pilgrimage of city folk into the countryside (throwing mega cash out on pricey manor house digs). They stick out here like a sore thumb, not just because of their ‘Southern’ accent but also because of their license plates (e.g., London plates begin with “L”). My view is that we should go all wicker man on them and feast on their flesh as we sacrifice them to Satan on the bonfire. However, it is just easier to wait until they realise that life in the North country is (a) boring, (b) grim, (c) full of locals, (d) wet, (e) boring, (f) muddy, (g) cold, (h) full of mould, (i) boring, (j) uncultured, and (k) just not London. Of course, for most of them the North is anywhere up from Watford on the M1 and Edgware on the A1(M) — which is explained here. They will soon recognise they made a terrible mistake and yearn of the big smoke, at which point we can buy their newly renovated manor houses for song. For most Londoners it is indeed Grim Up North.
10. Humans are ingenious. Independent of all the doom and gloom and economic and social consequences, individuals are remarkably resilient. Many of the community projects I saw reminded me of the origin of the Meals on Wheels programme in the UK during the Blitz — where meals were delivered by prams to those who had no access to food or kitchens. Despite the incompetence of well meaning but out-of-their-depth politicians and bureaucrats, businesses and social organisations were extraordinarily innovative in their responses. This was true in nearly every country and showed how individuals and communities countered the impact of the pandemic as well as the collateral damage caused by bad policy decisions. As a counter to point 7, the species will survive because of the people who are caring and communal but with a spark of ingeniousness; as opposed to those who view life as owing them something — like a vaccine or a trip to Verbier.